Well, we all know that running red lights on the road is NOT a good idea... and on my way to church with a friend yesterday I did just that. I ran a red light - I couldn't stop - the road was wet, I was traveling at the speed limit and the light seemed rather short...and I just couldn't stop. Then the flashing lights and I was opening the window ...
as I was digging for my drivers license, registration and insurance information. The officer was friendly and merely said "my light was green so I expect your's was red, would that be true?". I replied and explained how I knew the van was heavy and I couldn't stop quickly, with the wet pavement (it was raining) and all I had the option of slamming on the brakes and tossing everything in the back into the front, causing my passengers possible harm AND I should NOT always drive the posted speed limit - especially approaching intersections in the rain.... The officer gave me a warning and agreed that a van can be heavy and slowing at intersections especially in the rain would be wise. He also told me that he was on his way to answer another call so he was not giving me a ticket, besides with out of state license plates it would just be a hassel - so consider this a good warning to be more careful..... AND I WILL
And then we drove on to church. Went inside, and I was still shaking a bit and wanting time to breathe my way into closure on what had just happened - and don't you know it, my friends and I were looking for seats at the service and I turned and nearly walked right face first into some man...are you serious! What the...what is going on with me? Okay God I'm listening - I get it - SLOW down. Only do one thing at a time. Stop thinking AND doing something else.... I don't know. What am I suppose to be getting here....wow!
We sat down and service began - and the tears are just rolling down my cheeks. Now, mind you, I am not crying - just the tears are rolling... I am trying to pull myself together and not feel - and it's not working very well. The sermon is an analogy about bubbles and how we create bubbles of comfort...and the little grandson of my friend is antsy. So he and I go for a walk around the church hallways, the sermon is piped through a sound system so even if you are out with children you can hear whats being said (nice touch). So the tears rolled a few minutes. The little boy was happier for walking around. And while out there I decided to ask an Usher if anyone was available after services to counsel with me? I was introduced to Pastor Dan who had time after the service. I am so glad he had the time. I told him a little of my background - mostly church related background, so he would have a better understanding of my thought processes. Then I told him about the red light incident and almost bumping into the man at church and the tears thing and how I travel so much and .... the stuff I've been processing - especially as I've been triggered a lot this past month. With being asked to leave while visiting someone, then helping someone to get public services and see their grumpyness (okay that is a pretty mild description of the situation). Grumpiness that reminded me of diabetic anger and/or alcoholic unpredictability....anyway, those things pushed some of my triggers. I don't want to have panic attacks or re-act in someway that worked when I was younger and doesn't work so good anymore - and yet that is exactly what my body and brain want to do. The stress that results as I either beat myself up for doing it again, or not seeing that this person was like this, or believing something that isn't true because I didn't know it wasn't true until I found out....or... or The stress hurts. I ache. I wanna to feel safe. I want to relax. I want it to be okay to be Just Simply Lesa.
When I am traveling, I have all my 'antennae' up. You know, in a survival way how we just have one eye open - aware that there are dangers and we need to sleep just a little less soundly so we will wake when or if something is near. We are alert. Aware. Ready. I live alone. I travel alone. I am alone. Out of necessity I have to be alert. Living in alert, survivor, camper, traveler mode takes energy. I am exhausted. When I have the opportunity to base camp in a fairly safe location, I might be able to take the alertness down a notch or two and have some level of relaxation although, for me it is rarely alright to completely relax. --- when I do begin to relax - that seems to allow unfinished psychological stuff to kind of ease up into day to day consciousness. And if I allow myself the luxury of a couple weeks or a month of relaxation then I begin to remember who I am without all the self-protection antennae - the me who CAN relax - who knows how to be loving and creative... then I feel, perhaps because I am more or less alone in the world, then I feel as tho I need to protect that inner me and a conflict arises. A conflict of selves...of myselves - me, myself and I?... I am unsure which part of me is okay to show the world. I think I get wierd. I struggle. I begin to do things and then I catch myself being creative or relaxing and I pull back and stop doing this and shy away from people, places and things hoping to somehow protect myself.
Anyway - it all takes an enormous amount of energy and I am pretty tired of it. So I am taking the minister's advice. The minister I counseled with on Sunday. I have placed a couple calls to a counselor to see if I can get in to see one this week before I take off on another leg of my journey. I had previously thought I would do these kinds of things in South Dakota - perhaps God has other plans?
After making those phone calls this morning, I received a phone call from my mechanically inclined son who wanted to recommend I make one more pre-problem repair to the van. You see we both have 1994 Chevy G20 Vans. Since they are both the same age, tho a little different engines. We got them about the same time last year and we've noticed that the same kinds of little things go wrong with them at about the same time. When visiting, I had mentioned to him that I noticed a little oddness with the brakes. He tested them and didn't see anything wrong. I told him it was just odd, they didn't feel quite right at times although then I would think I just made it all up. Well, he began noticing something similar with this brakes a while back and just kept all that in the back of his mind - until - his brakes went out the other day!.... He replaced his master cylinder and all is as he said "like a new car - Mom, the brakes are so great!". He, also, said that because we keep doing the same things about the same time, and because I am about to drive to South Dakota - think mountain driving - that he's concerned. So to err on the side of caution, he asked me to please take the time to replace my master cylinder in my brake system before I leave an area where I have a couple trustworthy mechanics. Soooo more work on the van. and a little stall - for good reason - in the travel plans.
My travel buddy, we were going to meet up here in New York State and drive our vans - perhaps not caravan or wagon train style - more like sort of together toward South Dakota... well, My travel buddy has decided to go on alone and ahead - if God wants, we will catch up at a later date. I will be closer to my monthly 'pay day' and get the master cylinder changed out and hopefully have a good and productive counseling session before I leave out of here.
In the meantime, my friend Cindy is celebrating her birthday today AND is giving a Birthday discount on purchases from her Etsy store - please check out my Kewl Links and things page and pick up something if you can. I made her a birthday breakfast and we're all going to a local park for a cookout for dinner - her cake will be a sponge cake with a raspberry agave sauce! yum! -- I think she posted pictures of breakfast on either her blog or her facebook page. (I don't have Facebook anymore! whoohoo freedom!!!)
Cindy and I have been having so much fun sharing our love of good, healthy, natural foods. We went to Whiskey Hollow natural spring and filled drinking jugs with fresh, spring water! I couldn't get Find a Spring to work - I will let Daniel know. So here are the directions: From Baldwinsville, NY: NY 31 to Jordan Rd, past East Dead Creek Rd (on the left). Pass flashing lights, cross over a swampy area bridge and pass the town highway garage on the right. At the large curve in the road stay to the left on this road which becomes West Dead Creek Rd (DO NOT take the right to the stop signs). Pass Conners Rd almost one mile is a road to the right - it is unmarked and pavement at the beginning and then becomes a dirt road - this is Whiskey Hollow.
We then drove to Bratt Farms. Bratt's is an organic dairy and --- whoohoo - allows people to visit and bring their own jars and give a donation (suggested $5 gal) for raw milk! They are in Memphis, NY and can be found on all things Google and Organic.
Cindy and I have also been playing with her new food dehydrator - and researching recipes and stuff. What fun - and I am making some stuff that is both healthy and will keep in the van while I am traveling.