Saturday, April 8, 2017

It's Simply my process!

Sometimes when I am going thru big changes, l need to sit still and do mundane stuff like just sleeping and cleaning and cooking and watching the birds and animals. I especially like to sweep or rake during these times, and washing dishes with my hands in hot water feels really good too.

I can get depressed and gain weight during these times, especially if I don't feel that I am capable of taking on the full weight of personal responsibility for myself (and Ozzie) or if I don't have someone else to cook for,  because wasting food doesnt make sense. During these times I examine how I interact with the other people in my life. I can be pretty critical of how I handle everything. I also spend a lot of time going over past interactions and analyze what went well and what didn't. I then work to imagine a change that will result in a different outcome. I also spent some time imagining how I think I look to the world,  like physically too.  When, like now, I am getting close to a big birthday - next year I will be  omgosh 60 which to me is officially old - I also spend time figuring out who I want to be, what I want to look like... I didn't ever imagine myself being 60. When I was young and attending WWCG (church) with my family, I was taught that I would never get older because Christ would return and the world as we knew it would be over. I was taught that I would never get married or have children or get  'old'. 

So here I am a year before my 60th birthday, which is actually at the end of June., considering my lifetime and future and direction. My priorities for this year are to visit my daughter in Virginia and to finish paying off my debts. I am so close to the debt being gone. I've sacrificed hard and lived an unconventional lifestyle as well as living on a very low income of $250 a month. Im tired. I have worked hard. Very hard. It has been difficult getting through all the decisions alone. Encouraging myself when I was so frustrated with not being able to have much of a life. Something changed over the winter months this year.  I now know that I left my property in St Johns AZ too early  and I returned too early in the  'spring' as well.  The weather has been annoying to deal with because I was unprepared for any thing outside my beloved 70 degree sunny day temperatures! 

Over the past couple years I worked hard to learn to trust others enough to make friends again.  Then I left them to see what would happen. I was surprised to find that not only was I not forgotten,  I was still accepted and loved!  I also wondered if my townie friends in St Johns would accept me back after traveling and they have as well.... soooo

I guess I never expected or even imagined this happening in my life.  And then my daughter, who along with my son, lived with their father and a step mother during their teen years. My daughter contacted me and asked if I would come be with her when she has her second baby. changes aye?  And as if that is not enough... a sister found me online and contacted me  - my family disowned me when I moved to my first apartment in 1977 and then at my father's memorial service in 2010 I was informed that I was dead and should never contact any family members again.  Wow that was tough and took some wandering, trail therapy and a couple years to settle in my thoughts. Hearing from her was challenging and yet it has been alright.

So WHY  don't I have a house or a trailer or a plan? .... im on overload. Emotional overload. I need to mentally regroup.  Not make decisions right now and just  simply be!