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Monday, August 1, 2011

Another month already!

I think I need to organize my  blog time - I can hardly believe it is the begining of August already!  Time just flies sometimes.

It's my older sister Linda's birthday today and no I'm not telling how old she is :D!  Love you Linda, Happy Birthday I hope you have a GREAT day today!

Linda is to become a grandma again tomorrow.  Amos, my nephew, and his wife Alice are having their second child - Congrats!

Steve is having some back pain - what a reminder of my days of herniated disks.  The memory of John Z., my ex-S.O., seeing me off at the back of an ambulance on the 5th of July a few years ago.  My back was achey and I felt a twinge and pinch in one hip while we were enjoying the 4th of July in a historic section of Brooklyn.  I stood up all day because sitting was just painful.  I didn't tell John how painful it really was, because I wanted to enjoy the day hanging out together again.  We did this 'on-again-off-again' relationship thing over nearly 20 years.  We loved and do love each other, I just guess we are either too different or ... well, really I don't know why we aren't together.  John told me once, in the year after my father died, and while John was going through some personal problems, he told me that he never loved me and he had been leading me on for years --- who knows.  If that is completely true he certainly would be a good liar.  Anyway - I haven't spoken to him in a long time --- and he did put me in the ambulance that early morning when I woke up and could not move my legs - not at all.  I spent many days in and out of the emergency rooms getting morphine shots for the pain over the next 2-3 weeks before I was scheduled for an epidural and months of physical therapy.  My back and my health improved after that as I religiously followed my physical therapy instructions exactly and even increased the excersizes.  I wasn't 'going out' that way - I didn't want to be an old lady driving a scooter chair around I was and am too young for that.    Soooo - Steve, Linda's fiance, went scuba diving yesterday off a little cove here in Maine.  Beautiful spot, nice day, calm water AND Steve had not been diving for a few years.  He recently had all his gear repaired and decided that this was the morning, so Linda and I went with him to watch and be near the ocean for a while.  I guess his equipment was heavier than he remembered and his weight belt shifted around on his waist a lot and he said he kind of wiggled once and felt a twinge in his hip then a couple spasms in his knee... So he's heading for the chiropractor's office this morning as he can barely walk without a painful look on his face.

I would like to 'let go' of more of my past and lately I have been considering just deleting the 30ish years of personal jounals I have.  I started journaling when I learned I was pregnant with my 1st child, my son, Joshua.  I didn't expect to live very long, at that time, partly because of the physical abuse I was enduring and partly because if that didn't kill me, I certainly didn't want to live and had considered suicide many times.  In fact I heard that last week the authorities permanently closed the Memorial bridge that connected Kittery, Maine with Portsmouth, New Hampshire.  I had a pivital life experience on that bridge one late night in 1978.  A few days earlier I had taken an entire bottle of sleeping pills hoping to die, or at the least get in a really good sleep.  I was exhausted from trying to be who other people wanted me to be or to conform to some standards that just weren't working in my life, I couldn't see anyway out.  I had no support.  No friends, that I knew of, my family had abandoned me again.  I just didn't have what it took to keep going after the events, including a rape that happened at that time in my life.  Anyway, I swallowed the whole bottle of pills and wouldn't you know it I was wired for 3 days, like I couldn't sleep at all.  I was so nervous and filled with energy.  I remember feeling even more stupid because I couldn't even get killing myself right.  (looking back that sounds rather silly and it is where I was at that time)  So after a few days of wandering around because I couldn't sleep, I found myself on the Memorial bridge, holding on to the railing, reminding myself that the shock of hitting the cold water would bring me to my 'senses' and I would have to resist the urge to swim in order to drown.... just as I was lifting up my leg to climb on the railing I heard this screaming voice calling "Help me!"  "Lesa - Help me!" and I"m like shaking my head and looking from side to side, like I'm crazy or something because it's 1 or 2 in the morning and there is NO one anywhere.  I continue to climb on the railing and hear it again "Lesa! - help, help!"  so I climb down and spend the next hour and a half or more hunting for a person and I can't find one anywhere.  Not behind garbage cans - no where... so now I remember being so puzzeled and wondering if I was crazy or if it was an supernatural event.  I walked home, where I was staying and went to bed.  When I woke I remembered that 'only God knows the day and time' of our death and decided that it wasn't up to me to decide about dieing.  I never tried to commit suicide again.  I didn't understand my life nor my purpose in being alive and I decided right there that I had to live the life God wanted for me, no matter what that might look like.  Walter Hodgeden, a friend from highschool, came to visit me one and only one time, in that week that followed these events.  He reminded me that I was liked, I was an interesting person and friend and that someone liked knowing I was alive.  I wonder what happened to him?

So I kept personal journal writing for 30ish years after I found out I was pregnant.  One time after my now ex-husband burned a number of my journals in a fit of --- whatever? because 'You are always writing in those damn journals'.  I took my journaling very private and eventually typed all of them into computer documents and at first emailed them to myself, eventually creating documents and storing them in what people are now calling the "cloud", first Yahoo documents and then Google documents.... I even carried copies on a mini-sd card in my fancy-expensive all purpose cell phone that I took on my first adventures in Costa Rica where it was promptly stolen!  Anyway - lately I've been pondering deleting them.