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Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The songs stuck in our heads...

Maybe its 5 times recently that I've woken up with some lyrics to a song stuck in my head or in my dreaming memory.  Each time its the same song and it starts on the same phrase - "...tell me why I, never seem to make you happy though God  (heaven) knows I try.... make up to brake up thats aaall we do. First you love me then you hate me thats a game for fools..."  I lay in bed waking up and knowing that this is about a past relationship (and borders on some other peoples relationships that I've seen recently.)  I tend to be a long-term relationship person, even with major issues I try to keep improving myself and my relationships.  I don't give up easily - which, perhaps has annoyed former partners or maybe even family members that may have been unable to say that they didn't want to be with me and end it all quick and clean?  Of course some people feel more alive with drama beating down thier door, I've been too close to that a few times.

Back to lyrics and dreams - after my divorce, I was in a 17 year on again off again relationship with a man I loved very much.  I guess he didn't feel the same, but hey Lesa is an okay person, he may have thought, so why change anything.

In my few years of life, I have learned a bit about myself. Like I give people a lot of rope to hang themselves with...I mean, I'm not a fighter, I was taught not to be at a rather young age. So if you want to fight or argue, I listen carefully and wait to see whats going to happen, because actions always speak lowder than words.  If I get angry I usually get teary eyed first and its a long time before I explode.  I am a double cancerian too and I am very emotional.  I don't lie well, I'm no good at keeping secrets and I like to live genuinely (authentic, transparent, open)... I don't see any reason to lie, cheat, manipulate... if someone asks me a question, I answer it and generally don't wonder "why" they asked it. 

Anyway.  I trusted this man to protect me and care for and about me for years, even after he proved time and again that he had a weak charecter. He was and probably still is a dreamer, though less of a 'get er done' kinda guy.  Super talented, amazingly creative, a good story teller and patient instructor (well not so much with my mathmatic 'handicap' - not really a hanicap I just don't 'get' math).  I loved him.  My heart was broken.  I was depressed, I gained weight, I cried all the time, I was devistated and had physical chest pains for a long time. I learned to not trust my own judgement as I learned the truth about his other life and women, the humiliation of all our friends knowing except me... More lyrics - "I wondered what was wrong with me..."  Cheating. I don't understand. If you want to be with someone new, just end the thing you've got going. Wouldn't it be easier, simpler to not have to lie or hide stuff.... I just don't get it.  Anyway, now, if I think of it, I feel sad another death of a dream.

Of course I moved. And moved on. Changed cities, states even.  Distanced myself from that life, those friends and aquaintences...those daily remminders of not being smart enough to know or sexy enough to keep his interest or good enough to be wanted.  Time and distance helped.  And then, one day you wake up with song lyrics stuck in your head....

and rain drops rolling down the window