Monday, June 9, 2014

Thoughts and process

I have been struggling with illness, my thoughts and  financially.  I have  both a therapy and doctors appointment today. I have lost something along the way. I love to travel,  to meet new people,  and see new things. I seem to need health food stores and fresh produce to keep healthy and control my weight. I feel as though I have lost Lesa along the way.  I have no sense of adventure. No sense of belonging.  No purpose. I help people because it is part of my soul although I am tired -it feels useless now. People don't appreciate help. Its as though they don't want the hand up connected to a heartbeat and soul. It leaves me feeling sad and useless.

I have wonderful 'friends like family. You know the kind of companions you really can and do call when you need support or when something goes wrong. The people you can cry with. For me these people are scattered around the world.  Mostly in Costa Rica and the United States.

My van is a great vehicle. Yet i find it is both a burden and uncomfortably small. I miss the freedom of every thing I own fitting in a backpack for traveling. My income is small enough to be more limiting than I prefer. I can take advantage of local resources for the Homeless and low incomed and yet I have to be careful that the food won't make me sick with allergies. So a portion of my income goes to support a healthy diet and keep my body and mind functioning well.  I've been reminded of that the past week or so while feeling sick. Migraine headaches and fuzzy thinking bloating and weight gain and sore throat and ear aches - used to be weekly or daily struggles that I thought were under control or gone....but I let the allergy doctor put those darned pricks on my skin even when I knew I would be sick for a long time. .that was nearly a week ago.  Last night I reached out to my friends and cried on a shoulder. Then I took two benedryl and slept. I couldn't eat yesterday I felt so sick. Even my home made lemonade (lemon juice,  water and raw honey) made me nauseous.

I think that more and possibly bigger changes are coming.

I may even be ready to sell my van. Yes. My kewl vinyl floor,  bed with storage,  I repair her early. ..and she has great tires VanTucket. 

I should be happy. I should be laughing.  I should be doing enjoyable things. I need to live in a manageable life.

What works for Bob Wells ... I am not Bob Wells. I have lived in vans and cars and workkamped as a campground hostess many times before. Like 30 years ago-when my then husband didn't like to pay rent. And when 20ish years ago my boyfriend and I became homeless and lost jobs.  I am a go getter and problem solver.  I built a tiny home in Corinna Maine - I guess my ex-husband gave that away.I began homesteading in San Augustin Costa Rica -big mistake, agreements don't materialize and it was not my land.  I have given and given. ..and it says 'don't become weary in well doing'

And this too shall pass!

Perhaps I am simply venting a part of my process. ..