Tuesday, March 7, 2017

What is next?

A life equation that I learned years ago. Perhaps from Byron Katie although I don't recall exactly.  Was that Suffering is when a Truth and a Belief don't match.

I have wondered about why my life has gone the direction it has. And yes I have at different times felt that I would never be strong enough to survive the suffering that I felt.

I couldn't settle in my thoughts, why God (the all that is all) gave me this event or that trauma or another storm to weather or yet another of lifes curve balls!

And then it occurred to me that I had been taught early in life that I had no choice or control. Although I got my share of free will by being born a human, I was taught to bend it always to what I was given by the unseen forces of life.  That is the events set in motion at the beginning of time by God - that power greater than all or that is the all that is all.

I was also taught that if I did the"right" things in life, like putting other people and their feelings and needs first and if I was thinking and "doing" good things then I would be rewarded with a little good and happiness in my life.....ah am I still waiting to be good enough for God to notice that I have been good and I have been quiet and I haven't asked for much...when was he going to step in and help me out?

I certainly have felt some overwhelming moments!

I'm back in the county where my land is located. I'm not at 'home' because of the weather.  Over the winter months I sold my travel trailers, paid some bills and made some upgrades to my car. New tires, a cargo basket for the roof and stuff. I also spent a lot of time researching and making the decision to buy a large dome - yurt - tent for use at large events and on my property.  Unfortunately I cannot put the tent up alone and I didn't have a woodstove to heat the space with.  I have a severe reaction to propane so I choose to not use it and wood heat makes more sense to me.  Anyway I am staying with a friend who lives close to town in an unfinished small house.  Ozzie and I have been sleeping on the floor in the future bathroom. Yes we are comfortable as we travel with our own bedding and stuff anyway.  This house is off-grid and built on a hill, which makes windy days and nights pretty scary.

I keep wondering what I am doing and where I will end up ... I don't have as clear as direction as I would like to have.  I realize how scared I may be at times living in the dome, because even though it is large it still is a tent. I am pretty sure that I am finished with being so alone. I would like to be married.  I've been touching base with family and old friends. Getting back online more often and sharing more.  I feel unsettled and awkward. I prefer having a project or a problem to solve, some kind of focus! I'm feeling that I can't see even a day ahead right now...  I don't feel that I am suffering. And yet I do feel out of sorts.  So I am doing my best to keep a sort of routine and help my friend with basics like making meals and keeping the house neat.

More soon