Simply Defeat!

 A level of defeat

It's 2 AM in New Mexico.

The night is calm and clear. At least it is now. The stars are bright and the area around me is quiet. 

A week ago, I was robbed. It was a quiet robbery. I wasn't there. My things were stolen while I was away shopping for my weekly groceries. My friend's were robbed as well. They feel violated and unsafe. It has taken me some time to process my own feelings because, as I and likely others who have experienced other traumas in their lifetimes, I became busy creatively problem solving anything I could have control over. I gave hugs, I listened to others processing, I prepared healthy foods. I made lots of hot drinks for all of us. I deep cleaned cupboards. And rifled through my rig looking for extranious items to possibly get rid of -- yeah, not much more to let go of.  I thought. and thought about my summer travels. I thought about my teaching classes. I thought about being alone. I thought about getting even older. I thought about my children, my past relationships, my loosing....loses....loosing - misunderstanding - my life. What do I even want anymore?  I asked.  

The temperatures dipped and dipped. The wind blew - then the wind became all that was happening, so strong a wind and a welcome though difficult distraction. Wind - and feeling defeated. Yup defeated. 

And, yet - I couldn't move. I couldn't leave this place. Something holding me back, keeping me, safely - 

keeping me here.

I felt protective of my friends. I bought for them fencing and helped install it around their no longer repairable and now stationary Skoolie home. I listened more. I observed communication styles. and miscommunication styles. I fussed at my self when I struggled with any process - listening, observing my own processes, observing my fussing, observing my frustrations. I processed others quietness. I processed others simply doing without communication - deeply believing that their assesment of life's importance in another persons mind or thoughts believing that their assesment is truth...and missing the mark. I observed, need, and strength in others. I observed and waited and busied myself with the daily tasks of waking, making a hot drink, observing my own thoughts, observing my beliefs and simply going to the bathroom, and eating and moving and....being stuck. Is it me that is stuck? Am I being guided to be stuck well stationary? Is there a fault - a wrong? I can't find one. 

Tonight - in the 2 AM cold (approximately 20F) dark still of the night - tonight the word Defeat came to mind. Defeat. 

and the questions - as I type with fingerless gloves on (thank you Tom & Teka for the gloves) because it feels that cold, with my legs under the blankets and my winter hat on my head...ha that seems a funny scene though truly that is how I am sitting here in my little Chevy Tracker. I feel safe. I feel that my body is cared for and except for my legs needing adjustment off an on, I am comfortable. 

Defeat.

I had dreams once.

when I was young

they were laughed at, sometimes ripped from possibility by some truth about my body or my family or where I was raised or the religion and church or beliefs of others.... 

I had talent. Creativity. I was artistic even - enough to have been offered a scholorship to a private academy in New England. I was 14 or 15 then and I still believed in hope. I felt this feeling of defeat when my mother turned down the scholorship telling me that those people were too entitled or something, perhaps she said rich for me to be around. The person offering, had said, that if she (me) were allowed to attend this Academy, that it would change not only my life, but my opportunities and my outlook on life as a whole. I would have opporunities that normal life can't provide because of the simple fact, that in a normal life I would never meet the people necessary to continue with the natural skills that I have. --- my mother said NO and then to me, we will never talk about this again.  Defeat. I had no dreams. Gone. Taken. Done. Never to spoken of again. Just one day hope and dreams and the next nothing....not even an idea.

Defeat.

Sometimes life feels like that. 

I  -  life - it kind of stutters and stops

and what does one do with that..that...that empty space

that nothingness

where does one go, how do you breathe, how do you move - like walk or 

even let a tear fall

how - what - 

What I had, that I had purchased and never actually recieved in my own hands, the item itself that was stolen, was a symbol of my new hope, my new community of friends, my adventrous lifestyle. It was a storage item for the exterior of my vehilcle that would define me as a "real" --- ha ha isn't that funny - a real member of an elite community of creatively adventurous people. Maybe - well - maybe I didn't need it anyway.  Whats the point. Is it God taking things away or adjusting my path --- like Matt Damon in the movie Adjustment Bureau? 

Do I just simply not care. Do I simply never talk about it again. What - where - is there ever room for me to simply want something, simple follow through with a natural area of talent. 

Defeat.

It's very early Sunday morning now - 3:05 AM

My phone service has been out - yes like non existant for a week now.  I used my friend's phones to contact my phone carrier and they had no advice - except to reset my phone to factory settings. We did that. I lost a lot of stuff. and still no service - and a phone with no service feels like a strange clock that I can charge for no reason - so I turned it off. One of my friend's neighbors visited yesterday and told us that the local cell phone tower has not been working for about a week now. Seriously, why didn't my carrier tell me that rather than reset my phone? Oh well, out of my control. 

Defeat.

I offered to be the one to stay here at the friend's property so they can go off together, while someone safe - me - can watch their property and dogs. You know, be simply helpful until I am moved to leave and go on my way again.

Why haven't I left - well, one reason is that Amazon has requested a police report - a closed police report. I have an active, open police report. Outside of my control.

Defeat.

to get a closed report could take from 3 days to 6 months says the Amazon email instructions. And by the way you have 90 days to finalize this transaction OR you are not only out the stolen item but also the funds you spent to buy said stolen item....OUCH and outside of my control

Defeat.

I will be here tomorrow, while the friend's attend church - because I believe that friends do these things to help friends. 

Monday, I will take down the rear portion of fencing, that yes, I encouraged but that I did not install. I installed the neat front fencing. I will remove the rear fencing and reinstall it correctly and neatly.  I would love to be able to also install wind/privacy cloth to the current wire fencing, but neither the home owners nor I can afford to do that project right now. And darn, if I could spend just a lttle more, or if I could find a few boards...I would use their canvas and create an outdoor room for them to enjoy in the wind and in the coming too sunny days of summer at this altitude. We will see what develops.

Under the circumstances, I won't be able to hold my weekly Live on YouTube - BUT - I should be able to use enough of the friend's hotspot to post this on blogspot