Thursday, May 17, 2018

Simply a Video update

In this YouTube video I explain my disabilities,  make some apologies and you get a bit of history too

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Video Gear Review 8 May 2018

How do I simply break out of depression? 9 May 2018

Hi readers.

How do I break out of a simply ugly depression?

First even though I don't like depression or my PTSD tendencies,  my first line of defense is to acknowledge that that's what is happening in my life. Recognise and remember that these diseases are a part of my life. I recall that for a short time it's ok to be right where I am and for a time that happens to be under the control of a disease. The disease of depression and that of PTSD, for me, is like a 3 or 4 headed monster. A monster who reminds me that I am worthless and know nothing. My PTSD, it reminds me that I take up too much space in the universe, I never should have taken the first breath at my birth, it takes me, way to easily, back to some ugly traumas from my younger life. During this difficult time, if words are used in similar sentence structure or with similar voice inflections as an incident in my ugly past, or if I watch a movie with a scene that is similar to one of my compounded traumas ... I actually react and get sucked, as if by quick sand, into the memory and the hypervigilance of the original event. It takes ALL my energy to focus and NOT let this past bleed into the events of today.

So how can I work my way out of this?

1. Remember that I am under the influence of a disease.
2. Do things that the disease doesn't like - thanks Dell for the reminder last week.

Like what doesn't it like? Well sometimes I know what it does like better, like eating anything  including stuff I am allergic to. Drinking cola, eating potato chips, not caring about anything, it hates responsibility and sunny days, it gives me massive migraines,  it makes me feel like I have to fix the whole world and I can never be successful,  it knows I am stupid - beyond belief,  that I cannot trust my own thoughts and feelings. It wants to stay in bed for weeks, to not feed the animals and birds....
What it DOES NOT LIKE ... routine, journaling, light music, warm water baths, chamomile tea, lavender essential oil, hugs from Ozzie. It doesn't like seeing and talking with friends and a safe counselor or a safe group counseling, it doesn't like a good balanced meal - with vegetables and leafy greens and meat or eggs and perhaps a healthy bread eaten sitting down. It doesn't like going for a walk or washing my hair. It doesn't like taking care of me!

So what do I do? AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
I look for ONE successful thing that I have done TODAY!
Then I pick a friend that I trust and I text them my success!

That's it! The beginning. The start that breaks me out!

It's still a process
But that's what breaks it's ugly hold on me

And before I know it - a few days, or weeks later I'm in a different place. The process used to take years. I remember when it took two years to break free...not any longer

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Single again and I got a kitty!

Hey ya'll!
Well my failed experiment is over. I am single again and got a kitty!
That sounds interesting but honestly it's been a very emotionally draining time for me. Aaron is a nice man, and he is very generous and helpful. We didn't get along very well,  mostly our communication styles were so different it was painful to discuss anything. Kinda like two planes passing each other by, we would get blown off course and me, being a double (5 mins short of triple) cancerian sun sign, in tears all the time. So we broke up about a month ago. He left to start his adventures yesterday. Good and safe travels Aaron!

Now the kitty story. I had a 6ft bull snake visitor last fall. Early this Spring I had a 3ft gopher snake climb right up the cement post my vintage trailer is setting on. Well within 5 inches of that post was the wiring access for my solar and it wasn't very secure because we were working with it. The snake was disoriented and moved about a 1/4 miles away - thank you Aaron! I learned that I have quite an anxiety or fear of snakes!  So and because mice and rats and critters are snake food, I  put an announcement on Facebook that I needed an outdoor or 'barn cat' old enough to get along with Ozzie. The person who answered led me to believe that she had 2 or 3 at least a year old outdoor cats used to a dog and children. When I arrived, she had two kittens cowering in a crate. Poor things. I couldn't leave them. The woman's husband was giving her quite a time for even having yard cats. So I brought them home. They were so afraid. I kept them safe in my bathroom that first night,  away from Ozzie and him barking if he saw them. We did great. The next day, I had to figure out a litter box and clean them up. So I set them outside still in the crate inside Ozzie's travel yard fence thing. I  gave them a couple hours to relax and enjoy outside,  then opened the door so they could roam or poo or whatever.  The sister kitty got out and when a visitor tried to move it off the ladder it took off like a bat out of hell!! I've never seen her since. For about two weeks the boy kitty - Spunky - lived night's in my bathroom with a litter box and the door open and days outside still in the crate with the door open though placed up in a tree away from Ozzie. One day, I decidedto wait later to bring him in for the night and darn he was gone. I heard the owl that night and figured he was owl dinner! Then yesterday,  after Aaron had left, I was feeling kinda low and a lot like a failure. I have been struggling with depression most of this month. I decided to fix something to eat as the cool of the evening was setting in, and I kept seeing this shadow movement outside the window. I figured that my depression was so bad that I was making stuff up, not that I do that, but my thinking is not right when I feel depressed.  I finally decided to really look outside the window. There was Spunky kitty! And because that's what I said in my excitement, the kitty has a name. I held and cuddled him a long time and since I'd just given away the cat food, fed him salmon dog food and he drank a lot of water! I placed the crate back in the tree and after dark closed him inside for the night...Im not sure if that was the best way to handle it but hey, it's what I did. I thought he needed to feel safe for the night, of course he made a bit of noise being caged up. He had a good breakfast of raw egg and more salmon dog food, which i will leave out till after dinner. He's gone off, though I think he will  be ok.... well until I take him to get fixed.